TEMPORAL HAPPINESS VS. LASTING CONTENTMENT

Recently I had a conversation with an acquaintance that really made me stop and think. My friend asked me how did I feel about my life. I stopped for a moment, thought about the question and replied, "I'm content". She stared at me aghast and said, "You're only content. That sounds as if you are settling for less than you deserve. I'd rather be happy and single than be married and just content". She then proceeded to list what qualities she wanted in a man and how she wanted her life to go (furs, diamonds, lingerie, etc.). Since that time, I have had similar conversations with other people, receiving replies that being content meant settling for less than true happiness.

Having pondered this question at length, I must put forth an argument in favor of contentment versus happiness. To begin with, let us look at the actual meanings of both words. The American Heritage Dictionary records the definition of the word content as "satisfied" whereas happiness (a derivative of the word happy) means "(1) characterized by good fortune; and (2) having, showing or marked by pleasure. From the above definitions, it appears that happiness is a state of mind or attitude that is induced by the presence of favorable circumstances. To be content (based upon the definition of satisfy) means "to gratify or fulfill a need or desire". Hence, it represents a state of mind that is induced when a need or desire is fulfilled…not necessarily as a result of favorable circumstances.

Let us look at these concepts in personal terms. Too many times people seek happiness as their goal in life…their sole objective. Many times you will hear individuals mutter, "If only I had enough money, an exciting career, a better marriage, a sensitive lover, more time for my leisure activities, was thinner, etc., I would be happy". Now I know that all of us at one time or another have felt this way. We begin to equate happiness with the things (objects, talents, people) we don't have in our lives rather than by things that we do have in our lives.

To put it in psychological terms, we are "other directed"…always looking for things outside ourselves to make us complete, feel whole and successful. We look to our spouses, lovers, careers, friends, hobbies, etc., to validate our existences…to substantiate our worth to ourselves. We expect our partners to make our lives work for us (co-dependency); we expect our careers to ease our sense of insecurity about ourselves (workaholism); we starve ourselves to death in order to look glamorous and sexy so that others will accept us rather than reject us (vanity); we buy the latest clothes, cars and accessories so that we can appear to have it all (materialism); we ingest potent drugs such as alcohol, cocaine and valium to help us deal with our unpleasant reality for a while (addictions); we have secretive affairs because they make us feel alive and vital again…we can see ourselves differently in the eyes of a lover (adultery) and on and on. We will do anything that we believe can help us to achieve the state called "happiness"…a state where all is perfect without any flaws. Just like Snow White and Prince Charming who lived happily ever after.

Then problems arise because too many of us expect that life will be like a fairy tale and are bitterly disappointed when it doesn't turn out that way. We can change our clothes, hair, face and relationships in search of that perfect state, but until we focus on changing our attitudes about such ideals as happiness, we will always be looking somewhere else for it.

To be happy denotes a state of being that relies on positive experiences to reinforce its existence. Hence, when difficult times occur, you can fall from the state of happiness into the state of fear (anger, depression and chaos) until the negative stimulus is eliminated. However, to be content denotes a state of mind that is not based upon positive or negative stimulation …it is a feeling akin to peace of mind. To be content means that one accepts all circumstances as part of the natural rhythm of life…the cosmic flow that contains both peaks and valleys.

A contented person accepts themselves for who they are regardless of their faults and talents. They accept others as they are (ditto) as well as the path upon which they walk. They realize that to be satisfied is an experience without words yet brings them such peace of mind, they need not explain it.

Thus, to be or not to be content is a choice we all have to make. If we continue to look for the ideal state called "happiness", we can feel like we are on an emotional roller coaster…never knowing when the downs will come with the ups. However, living in the state known as "contentment" can be likened to fishing in a boat on a calm lake. It may not seem as exciting; but to anyone who has done it, it is a most tranquil, peaceful experience…truly a slice of heaven on earth.