Room of One Liners

You have just entered the Room of One Liners and you must pay your price! By entering here, you have committed a sin of a great nature! Your penance is one joke you find funny. You must leave a Joke! Your joke must be in the form of a one-liner and it must be funny! Afterward, you will be allowed to read the jokes of others who have committed the same sin.

If you do not leave a joke, you will have to live with the consequences which I understand to be very disturbing. I have listened to the complaints of others who have committed this same sin and their stories send chills up my spine! I don't even want to think about it! Do you?

The way to have a clean conscious is to spend a minute and think of a good one-liner, submit it, and be happy! Not only will you feel better, but you will actually spread that good cheer to the others who come here. By laughing at your sorry jokes, we can make the world a better place!

Easy enough?

Fill out the form below

Only Click one time on the submit button! Please! Also you may have to refresh the page if you have been there before to see any new messages. This has something to do with you're temporary Internet files.

HAVE FUN!

Your one-liners start here!

name = Donna Smith
one-liner = What do you call ten blonds in a freezer?
punch! = Frosted Flakes

name = Bob
one-liner = How do you say 69 in chinese?
punch! = to-can-chew!

name = ~~~~~~~
one-liner = Why was Tigger leaning over the toilet?
punch! = He was looking for Pooh!   (Sorry, only one I could think of.)

name = Josie
one-liner = How can you tell a Blonde has been sitting at your computer?
punch! = There is white out on the monitor!!!!

name = sproingette
one-liner = A sign outside a Radiator Repair Shop:
punch! = "Best place in town to take a leak!"

name = ~~sproing~~
one-liner = Why do all Iraqui soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
punch! = They need a map.

name = ~~~
one-liner = Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
punch! = So they can see their Air Force.

name = Bob
one-liner = Why does a dog lick its balls?
punch! = because he can!

name = 
one-liner = What do you call two gay scottish men
punch! = Pat Fitzgerold and Gerold fitzpatrick

morning chuckles

>
>Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. --
>Red Buttons
>
>Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But
>when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. -- Steve
>Bluestone
>
>Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
>anyone going faster than you is a maniac. -- George Carlin
>
>I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. --Carol Leifer
>
>The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be
>caught dead in otherwise. -- Roger Simon
>
>I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. --
>Dave Edison
>
>Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank
>robbery has just taken place. -- Johnny Carson
>
>I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans
>were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting
>yourself
>in the head to stop your headache. -- Jack Mayberry
>
>I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
>other
>one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,
>they are always locking three. -- Elayne Boosler
>
>Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? --
>John Mendoza
>
>I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
>language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be.
>But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We
>aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. -- Jeff Stilson
>
>The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
>suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
>friends. If they are okay, then it's you. -- Rita Mae Brown
>
>Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
>image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over
>it,
>maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the
>body before you do the wash. -- Jerry Seinfeld
>
>I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. --
>Lily Tomlin
>
>Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
>fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.
>-- Lynda Montgomery
> The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for high
> school girls, teaching how to prepare for married  life.......
> 
> 
>  1. Have dinner ready:  plan ahead, even the night before, to have  a
>     delicious meal-on time.  This is a way of letting him know that you
>     have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs.
>     Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good
>     meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
> 
>  2. Prepare yourself:  Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be
>      refreshed when he arrives.  Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in
>      your hair and be fresh looking.  He has just been with a lot of
>      work-weary people.  Be a little gay and a little more interesting.
>      His boring day may need a lift.
> 
>  3. Clear away the clutter.  Make one last trip through the main part
>      of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school
>      books, toys, paper, etc.  Then run a dust cloth over the tables.
>      Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and
>      it will give you a lift too.
> 
>  4. Prepare the children:  Take a few minutes to wash the children's>
>      hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if
>      necessary, change their clothes.  They are little treasures and he
>      would like to see them playing the part.
> 
>  5. Minimize the noise:  At the time of his arrival, eliminate all
>     noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum.  Try to encourage the
>     children to be quiet. Be happy to see him.  Greet him with a warm
>     smile and be glad to see him.
> 
>  6. Some DON'TS:  Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
>     complain if he's late for dinner.  Count this as minor compared
>     with what he might have gone through that day.
>
>  7. Make him comfortable:  Have him lean back in a comfortable chair
>     or suggest he lie down in the bedroom.  Have a cool or warm drink
>    ready for him.  Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.
>    Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice.  Allow him to
>    relax and unwind.
> 
>  8. Listen to him:  You may have a dozen things to tell him, but  the
>    moment of his arrival is not the time.  Let him talk first.
>
>   9. Make the evening his:  Never complain if he does not take you out
>    to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to
>    understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home.
> 
>   10. Goal:Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your
>      husband can relax.
> 
> 
>      Now the updated version for the '90s woman......
> 
> 
>      1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time.  If your day
>      becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding
>      where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that
>      your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your
>      mood.
> 
>      2. Prepare yourself:  A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your
>      way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from
>      becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth.  (Don't forget to
>      use his credit card)
> 
>      3. Clear away the clutter:  Call the housekeeper and tell her that
>      any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be
>      placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
> 
>      4. Prepare the children: Send the children to their rooms to watch
>      television or play Nintendo.
> 
>      5. Minimize the noise:  If you happen to be home when he arrives, be
>      in the bathroom with the door locked.
> 
>      6. Some DON'TS:  Don't greet him with problems and complaints.  Let
>      him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention
>      and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner.  Don't complain if
>      he's late for dinner; simply remind him that the leftovers are in
>      the refrigerator and you left the dishes for him to do.
> 
>     7. Make him comfortable:  Tell him where he can find a blanket if
>      he's cold. This will really show you care.
> 
>     8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
>
>    9. Make the evening his:  Never complain if he does not take you out
>      to dinner or to other places of entertainment; go with a friend or
>     go shopping (use his credit card)
> 
>      10. The Goal:  Try to keep things amicable without reminding him
>      that he only thinks the world revolves around him.


An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a
  car crash.  They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to
  her interest in health food and exercising.
  
  When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, 
  which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a
  Jacuzzi.
  
  As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was
  going to cost.
  
  "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
  
  Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf 
  course that the home was located.  They would have golfing privileges
  every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the 
  great golf courses on earth.
  
  The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
  
  St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free."
  
  Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the 
  cuisines of the World laid out.
  
  "How much to eat?" asked the old man.
  
  "Don't you understand yet?  This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, 
  with some exasperation.
  
  "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked 
  timidly.
  
  St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like
of 
  whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick.  This is 
  Heaven."
  
  With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and 
  stomping on it, and screaming wildly.
  
  St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was
  wrong.  The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault!  
  If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten 
  years ago!"

BROUGHT TO YOU BY ELLIE>>>I BET YOU WONDER HOW I DID THIS!
The Original Version:

The ant busts his butt in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away.

Come winter the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or

shelter so he dies out in the cold.


The new Liberal Version:

It starts out the same but when winter comes the shivering
grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant
should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and
starving.

CBS, NBC, and ABC show up and show pictures of the shivering grasshopper

next to film of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with

food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be, in a country
of such wealth that this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAAGB (The National Association of Green
Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "Green Bias" and
makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of

greenism.

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and  everybody
cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Bill & Hilary Clinton make a special guest appearance on The CBS
Evening News and tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do
everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the
prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the
summer. The summer Bill refers to as the "Temperature of the 80s."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act,"
making it RETRO-ACTIVE to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined by the government for failing to hire a proportionate
number of green bugs while building his house. And, Having nothing
left to pay his Retro-Active fines, the ant's home is confiscated by
the  government.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits
of the ant's food while the government house he's in -- which just
happens to be the ant's old house -- crumbles around him since he
doesn't know how to maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's

food, Bill Clinton is standing before a wildly applauding groups of
Democrats announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.

name = Dizzy Sue
one-liner = What do you get when you cross a whore with a computer?
punch! = A Fucken Know-it-all!

name = TechnoBoob
one-liner = Sign on the door of a computer shop:
punch! = "Out for a quick byte."


It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change
the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into
Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy
would go into effect at noon the following day. So, the next day at
12:01 PM, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel
at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before 
I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."
"No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife 
was having an affair. I believed that each day on the Lunch hour, she'd 
bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. 
So, today I was going to come home too, and catch them. "Well, I got 
there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife 
was half naked, and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, 
damn it, I couldn't find him! "Just as I was about to give up, I happened 
to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging of 
the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide 
from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until 
he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes 
that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more, so 
in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on 
to throw at him.
And, oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. "I 
unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side.
It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the
moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and
died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have 
a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, sir. 
Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later, the guy next came up. "OK, here's the rule. Before I 
can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was 
out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises 
when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! 
Luckily, however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the 
balcony directly beneath mine.
When all of a sudden, this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and 
starts cursing and stomping on my fingers! "Well, of course I fall. I 
hit some trees and bushes on the way down, which broke my fall, so I didn't 
die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move 
and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all 
things, over the ledge. It falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finished his story. 
"I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very 
well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he 
lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, the third man in line comes up to the gate.
"Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.

"OK. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..

For you to enjoy ... Anna

> 
> >
> > I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
> >dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton
> >
> > You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a
> >smart woman with a dumb guy. - Erica Jong
> >
> > I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends
> >told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything
> >that feels GOOD for 36 hours. - Rita Rudner
> >
> > I figure that if the children are alive when he gets home, I've done my
> >job. - Roseanne
> >
> > My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We
> >can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner
> >
> > I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That
> >was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. - Susie Loucks
> >
> > This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, cause I'm a cross between a macho
> >and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" - Judy Tenuta
> >
> > He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant - Carol
> >Leifer
> >
> > I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy
> >Liebman
> >
> > Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma
> >Bombeck
> >
> > If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. - Sue
> >Grafton
> >
> > I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on. -
> >Roseanne
> >
> > I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair
> >under my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky
> >
> > I look just like the girls next door ... if you happen to live next
> >door to an amusement park. - Dolly Parton
> >
> > I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's
> >because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know
> >THAT? - Wendy Liebman
> >
> > I think-therefore I'm single - Lizz Winstead
> >
> > "Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look
> >stupid." - Hedy Lamarr
> >
> > "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
> >another country."
> >- Elayne Boosler
> >
> > "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." - Gilda Radner
> >
> >
> > "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." - Maryon Pearson
> >
> > "Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as
> >an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly
> >promoted as a male schlemiel." - Bella Abzug
> >
> > "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want
> >anything done, ask a woman." - Margaret Thatcher
> >
> > "If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose
> >Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin
> >Mary." - Margaret Atwood
> >
> > "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and
> >a career." - Gloria Steinem
> >
> > "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." - Gloria Steinem
> >
> > "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps
> >they should live next door and just visit now and then." - Katharine
> >Hepburn
> >
> > "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home
> >which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls
> >every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes
> >home late at night." - Marie Corelli
> >
> > Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." - Baroness Edith
> >Summerskill
> >
> > "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
> >intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your
> >neck?" - Linda Ellerbee
> >
> > "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his
> >house."
> >- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Thought you guys might find this funny.

Love,
Anna


*******
Divine Press Release
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an 
affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old 
woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only 
son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that 
she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she 
was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, 
God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", 
and that "verily, the facts of this story will come out in time".
Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the 
Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of 
whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had 
illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three 
foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued 
subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in 
the affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the 
charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God 
had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed 
land deal.
In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to 
cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's 
political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the 
destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention 
away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public 
land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo 
for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to 
God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral 
standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently 
outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of ten 
"Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. 
Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions 
for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning 
to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional 
restriction on free speech.

> 
> >> Subject: Women's English / Men's English
> >>
> >> WOMEN'S ENGLISH
> >>
> >> Yes = No
> >> No = Yes
> >> Maybe = No
> >> I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
> >> We need = I want
> >> It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
> >>
> >> Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
> >> We need to talk = I need to complain.
> >> Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
> >> I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
> >> You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
> >> You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
> >> Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
> >> This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
> >> I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
> >> I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
> >>
> >> How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not
> >> going to
> >> like.
> >> I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game
> >> on T.V.
> >> Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
> >> Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he
> >> goes to
> >> sleep.
> >> I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
> >>
> >> MEN'S ENGLISH:
> >>
> >> "I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
> >> "I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
> >> "I'm tired." = I'm tired.
> >> "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
> >> you.
> >> "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
> >> you.
> >> "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
> >> "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
> >>
> >> "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
> >> "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
> >>
> >> "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out
> >> of this.
> >> "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
> >> are you
> >> going through now?
> >> "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
> >> "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
> >> "I love you." = Let's have sex now.
> >> "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
> >> "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
> >>
> >> "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look
> >> that much
> >> different!
> >> "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
> >> person
> >> and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
> >> "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
> >> with
> >> other guys.
> >> (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress
> >> and let's
> >> go home!

name = Me
one-liner = How do you circumcize a whale?
punch! = Send down four skin divers.

name = Terry
one-liner = What do you call a gay milkman?
punch! = A dairy queen.

Billy is learning about the American political system in school.  He
comes
home one day and asks his dad to help explain the whole system.  He says
dad,
I'm confused, we are studying politics in school and I just don't get
it."

His dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me "capitalism".  Your mom,
she's in charge of the family budget, so we'll call her the
"government".
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the "people".
Now, the nanny, she works for us so we'll consider her to be the
"working
class". And your baby brother, we'll call him the "future".  Do you
understand
It now?"

"I'm not sure" he replied.

"Well why don't you think about it for awhile and we'll talk about it
again
in the morning."

So Billy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that
night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He
finds that the baby has pooped in his diaper.  So the little boy goes to
his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.  Not wanting to
wake
her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in
the
keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes
back
to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "that's good Billy, in your own words tell me what you
think politics is all about".

Billy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class,
the
Government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future
is
in deep shit."

Dumb People are funny...(and a little scary too!)
... Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
"intellectual leadership".  He received a $26 million severance
package.  Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
 ... And What Was Plan B??

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The
kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...
... The Getaway

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer.  Apparently, the take was too small, so he
tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for
three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
...Have I Got a Deal for You!

More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly
enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars.
According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were
told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of
ruined temples and painted deserts.  Ride a Martian camel from oasis
to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets.  Explore
mysterious canals and marvel at the views.  Trips to the moon also
available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam
made off with over six million dollars...
... Did I Say That?!

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each
man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or
I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
... Are We Not Communicating?

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?"
the doctor asked.  "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her
husband!"... Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold
up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb
and finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep
his hand in his pocket.

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk
noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit 
card.  She informed me that she could not complete the transaction
unless the card was signed.  When I asked why, she explained that it
was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the
signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card
in front of her.  She carefully compared that signature to the one I
signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I
described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss
said, "Really?  Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just
kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of
Elbonia.
He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

name = The Poofalow
one-liner = What is the difference between a hog and a man?
punch! = A hog does not have to sit in a bar all night 
and buy drinks, just so he can fuck some pig!

name = Shoshone Lady
one-liner = Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky is penning a book?
punch! = "My First Taste of Politics"

name = Jessica
one-liner = How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
punch! = Silly, they don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in back seats!

name = dee
one-liner = what do you call a man w no arms or legs in a leaf pile
punch! = russel

What's up?!!
-Carrie

>> One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is
>> wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:
>> Demon: Why so glum, chum?
>> Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
>> Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down
>> here. You a drinkin' man?
>> Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
>> Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's
>> all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers,
>> diet Tab...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some
>> more.
>> Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
>> Demon: You a smoker?
>> Guy: You better believe it.
>> Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the
>> finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs
>> out.
>> If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead.
>> Guy: Golly!
>> Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
>> Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
>> Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps,
>> blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow
>> poker table.
>> Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...
>> Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
>> Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...
>> Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a
>> great
>> big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
>> You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's
>> okay...
>> you're already dead.
>> Guy: That's incredible! I never realized that hell was such a
>> swingin' place!
>> Demon: You gay?
>> Guy: Uh, no.
>> Demon: Oooh , you're gonna hate Fridays.

> WILD TRIVIA
> - Submitted by S. Petri
> ------------------------------------
> * Dr. Seuss coined the word "nerd" in his 1950 book "If I Ran the Zoo"

>
> * It takes 3000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for
> a year's supply of footballs.
>
> * Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal
> ads for dating are already married. (The other 65% want to be.
> The grass is always greener...)
>
> * There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac
> bun.
>
> * The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.
>
> * Pound for pound (kilo for kilo), hamburgers cost more than new cars.

>
> * When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a
> rate of 25 miles per year. (except in Seinfeld)
>
> * On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
>
> * In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all
> the world's nuclear weapons combined.
> (P.S. To the leaders on India: If you wanted to really show
> strength,
> you should of come up with some way to create a manmade hurricane -
> Now THAT would be one helluava accomplishment)
>
> * Average lifespan of a major league baseball: 5 pitches.
>
> * Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age
> of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.
>
> * Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.
>
> * The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
>
> * Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola,
> apple, and chocolate. (Celery - What where they thinking???)

These are kinda funny ... especially the last one!

Anna

> ODES FROM THE BATHROOM WALLS
> - Submitted by Gremchile
> --------------------------------------------------
> Some ordinary folks become great philosophers when they are
> sitting alone in the bathroom stalls of the world contemplating
> life?s problems. Here are a few gems.
> 
> Make love, not war. -Hell, do both: get married!
> Women's restroom,
> - The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana
> 
> I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
> - Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
> 
> It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
> - Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
> 
> If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
> - Revolution Books. New York, New York.
> 
> Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
> - Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
> 
> A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles,
> you're going to have trouble with it.
> - Women's restore, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas. .
> 
> No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
> putting up with her crap.
> - Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill., Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
> 
> At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
> - Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
> 
> G-d is dead. -Nietzsche
> Nietzsche is dead. -G-d
> - The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C
> 
> If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
> Congress!
> - Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
> 
I got this from my Aunt Rose:

The Age Game, It's amazing!!!!! Some mathematician
was really bored!
THIS IS SCARY BUT IT REALLY WORKS.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!!! It only
takes 30 seconds.
Work this out as you read.
Don't read the bottom until you have worked it
out.!!!

1.First of all, pick the number of days a week that
you would like to go out.

2.Multiply this number by 2.

3.Add 5.

4.Multiply it by 50.

5.If you have already had your birthday this
year, add 1748.
If you haven't, add 1747.

6.Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you
were born.
see below:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
RESULTS:

You should now have a three digit number:

The first digit of this was your original
number(I.e. how many times you
want to go out each week).

The second two digits are your age!!! It really
works.
This is the only year it will ever work, so spread
the joy around by mailing
this to everyone you know.

<< At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry and
stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar
cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In reponse to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release stating: If GM had developed technology like
Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following
characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice
a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you
would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for
no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive
on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left
turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to
restart, in which case you would have to re-install the
engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless
you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to
buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to
drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning
lights would be replaced by a single "general car default"
warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size
butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before
going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car
would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
simultaneously lifted the door handle,turned the key, and
grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a
deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary),
even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting
to delete this option would immediately
cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or
more.

> >>> * PAINFULLY BLONDE *
> >>>
> >>> A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
> >>>
> >>> "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
> >>>
> >>> "You have to help me, I hurt all over," said the woman.
> >>>
> >>> "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more
> >>> specific."
> >>>
> >>> The woman touched Her right knee with her index finger and
yelled,
> >>> "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again
yelled,
> >>> "Ouch! That hurts, too!" Then she touched her right earlobe.
"Ow,
> >>> even THAT hurts!" she cried.
> >>>
> >>> The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked,
"Are 
> >you
> >>> a natural blonde?"
> >>>
> >>> "Why, yes," she said.
> >>>
> >>> "I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."

Lets say thanks to Ellie for all the Jokes!

name = firefly
one-liner = grafitti at school
punch! = flush twice........it's a long way to the cafe

name = firefly
one-liner = why did the rubber cross the road
punch! = it was pissed off

name = ~~~~~~~~~~~~
one-liner = What do you call a man with no legs or arms floating in a pool?
punch! = Bob

name = ~~~~~~~~
one-liner = What do you call a woman with no arms and one leg against a wall?
punch! = Ilene

name = ~~~~~~~~
one-liner = What do you call an Oriental woman with no arms and one leg against a wall?
punch! = Irene

name = ~~~~~~~~
one-liner = What do you call a man with no arms or legs in front of your door
punch! = Matt

A little girl and her mother were out and about.  The girl, out of the
blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, how old are you?"  The mother responded,
"Honey, women don't talk about their age.  You'll learn this as you get
older."  The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"  Her
mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about.
You'll learn this as you grow up."  The girl, still wanting to know more
about her mother, asked, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed,  said 'That's a subject that hurts me very
much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The  little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a
friend's house to play.  She consults with her friend about her
conversation with her mother.  The girlfriend says, " All you have to do
is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license.  It's just like a
report card from school.  It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again.  The
little girl starts off with, "Mommy, I know how old you are.  You're 32
years old."  The mother is surprised.  She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you
know that?"  The girl shrugs and says, "I just know.  And I know how
much you weigh.  You weigh 130 pounds."

"Wherre did  you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know.  And I know why you and Daddy got a
divorce.  You got an F in Sex."

---

A bit more pharmaceutical humor at the expense of Viagra...
Wendy

Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra:

10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
9. "One-a-day, like iron"
8. "Get a piece of the rock"
7. "You've come a long way, baby"
6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"
5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4. "Tastes great, more filling"
3. "Viagra, built ram tough"
2. "Here's the beef!"

and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. Just do her.

Some honorable mentions:
"We work harder, so you don't have to"
"Ten inches long... and growing."
"Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight" 
"Viagra, home of the whopper" 
"Viagra, Now is a great time to be silver" 
"This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?"
----------


A little girl is sitting in a barber shop, eating a Twinkie,
while the barber cuts her hair.  The barber looks down and says,
"Sweetheart, you're getting hair on your Twinkie."
  
The little girl looks up with a big smile and says, "I know, and
I'm getting tits too!!!!"

******************************

A Heart-Warmer

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high
school in Memphis, Tennessee.  The letter was sent to the principal's
office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. 


Dear Reyer School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's
luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged.  All
my people are gone.  It's nice to know that someone thinks of me.  God
bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me
listen to it.  The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces.
It was  awful.  She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.

Sincerely, 
Edna Johnston


----------
Subject: Bill Gates

Do this example - its funny
>        > >
>        > >            Does Bill Gates have a problem we don't know about?
>        > >
>        > >            1.  Open a new document in Word
>        > >            2.  Type "Unable to follow directions" (without the
>  > quotes)
>        > >
>        > >           3.  Highlight the entire sentence you just typed
>        > >            4.  Click Tools; Language; Thesaurus (or hit
> shift-F7 to
>        > > open the thesaurus
>        > >
>                > >  >>
>

name = daniel shumate
one-liner = one day a little girl and boy were playing in a sand 
box and the little pointed to the little girls private part and said 
what is that and she said i dont know and than she asked him 
the same question and he said i dont know either so they both 
agreed to go ask their parents what these parts are for so they 
both go home to their parents which do not live together starting 
with the little boy he asked his father dad what is this and he said 
that is your four wheeler dont ever park in a garage he said ok 
dad meanwhile at the little girls house she asked her mother the 
same thing and she said that is your garage dont ever let anybody 
park their four wheeler in it and she said ok mom so the little boy 
and girl go back to the sand box and the little girl says i found out 
what this thing is and the little boy says so did i and the little girl 
says lets keep it a secret between us and dont tell each what they 
are meanwhile the mom and the dad are sitting at home and they 
hear a whole bunch of screaming so they run up to the sand box 
the little boy was laying on the ground so both of the parents ask
 the little girl what happened here.....
punch! = well he tried to park his four wheeler in my garage 
so i ripped his two back tires off.....

name = daniel
one-liner = what do you call two white guy's with a back 
guy in the middle
punch! = an oreo cookie!!!

name = javier
one-liner = Time flies like an arrow......but fruit flies like a banana !!!
punch! = 

The Virtues of Irish Youth

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for
I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?" 

"Yes, Father, it is I."

"Who was the woman you were with?" 

"I cannot tell you, for I do not wish to sully her reputation." 

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" 

No, Father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for
your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."

Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks,
"What happened?"

Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three
good leads." 

-------------------------------------------- >>

Today's Helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul...


                         What's Really Important
   
       A few years ago at the Seattle Special Olympics, nine 
  contestants, all physically or mentally disabled, assembled 
  at the starting line for the 100-yard dash. At the gun they 
  all started out, not exactly in a dash, but with the relish 
  to run the race to the finish and win.
       All, that is, except one boy who stumbled on the asphalt, 
  tumbled over a couple of times, and began to cry. The other 
  eight heard the boy cry. They slowed down and paused. Then 
  they all turned around and went back. Every one of them. One 
  girl with Down's syndrome bent down and kissed him and said, 
  "This will make it better." Then all nine linked arms and 
  walked together to the finish line.
       Everyone in the stadium stood, and the cheering went 
  on for 10 minutes.
  
   By Author Unknown
   Submitted by Bob French
   from A 3rd Serving of Chicken Soup for the Soul 
   Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield and 
   Mark Victor Hansen 
  Today's prayer

"I want to thank you, Lord, for being with me so far this day.
With your help I have not been impatient, lost my temper,
been grumpy, judgemental, or envious of anyone.
But I will be getting out of bed in a minute and I think I will
really need your help then.
Amen."

> Becky was on her deathbed for five days, with her husband Jake at her
side. He was holding her hand, concern and fatigue creasing his face.  Her
pale lips moved, "Jake," she said.  "Hush," he interrupted, "don't talk." 
But she insisted "Jake," she continued, "I have to talk.  I must confess."
> "There is nothing to confess," replied Jake, "It's all right,everything's
> allright." "No, no.  I know that I'm dying and I must die in peace.  I must
confess,Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."
> Jake stroked her hand.  "Now, now, Becky, don't be concerned.  I know
all about it ... why else would I have poisoned you?"

THE MYSTERIOUS TAMPON PURCHASE 
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is  four.
The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it
to the
register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom,
huh?"  The nine year old replies, "Nope, not for my mom."
Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be
for your sister then?"
The nine year old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either." 
The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and
not for your sister, who are they for?"
The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother."
The cashier is surprised. "Your four year old little brother???" 
The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you 
wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother
can't do either of them!" 


Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says
to the
> >     other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.
> >     "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America,we
> >     might as well do as the Americans do."  Nodding emphatically, the
> >     mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk
toward the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.  The vendor is only too pleased to
> >     oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the
> >     counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to
unwrap their 'dogs.'
> >The mother superior is first to open hers.  She begins to blush
and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and
> >     whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
> >
Somebody tell me whats going on. there adding every month an [extra]
charge. 
$2.18 State for saving the indengerd owls
$12.59 to AT&T for using WebTv.
$5.46 Electric for usage back in 1929. 
$ 28.00 Gas, because our last meter reader was drunk. 
$13.56 Water, because I was using to much making coffee.
Theres a sucker born every minute. 

name = Mike B
one-liner = What do you call a blonde skeleton found in a closet?
punch! = Hide and go seek champion!

name = Aaron S.
one-liner = Why was there so much confusion at the Outback Steakhouse?
punch! = Because the slogan is "No rules, just right", 
                but they still had a "Shirt and Shoes Required" sign on the door. 
                                         Thankyuhthankyuhvuruhmush

name = Frank
one-liner = A man walks into a bar
punch! = He forgot to duck

name = Hootsaman
one-liner = He's a bachelor...
punch! = That's a guy who's never made the same mistake once!

name = misti
one-liner = what do you call a lesbian with big hands?
punch! = well hung!

name = dave
one-liner = where does popeye leave his pipe?
punch! = In olive oil!

name = mimic
one-liner = once there was a little girl with no arms or legs, 
and she was crying, a man came and asked her why she 
was crying, sh said: "ive never been hugged before" so he 
swung her around once and hugged her. the next day she 
was crying again, the man asked why, she said: "ive never 
been kissed" so he swung her around twice and kissed her. 
the third day she was crying again, the man asked her why, 
she said: "ive never been fucked before" he swung her 
around three times and threw her in the river and said:
punch! = "now you're fucked"

name = Danny
one-liner = Why do Jewish women like circumcised men?
punch! = They'll go for anything that's 30% off.

name = Laurie
one-liner = Two guys walk into a bar. The first one turns to the second and says...
punch! = You didn't see it either?

name = Wendy McCallister
one-liner = When you choke a smurf...
what color do they turn?.....a twofer
punch! = Why is Abbreviation such a long word?

name = Wendy McCallister
one-liner = If Corn Oil comes from corn.....
where does Baby Oil come from?...nother twofer!
punch! = If you shoot a mime ...
.would you use a silencer?

name = Wendy again...didn't know they were 
those kind of jokes...hee hee
one-liner = you know the difference between a 
snow man and a snow woman?
punch! = SNOWBALLS!

name = Silent Rage
one-liner = How do you know when you're an alcoholic?
punch! = When you retile your bathroom and put the 
tiles on your cheek to see if they're comfortable enough...

name = jan bruggeman
one-liner = het verschil tussen een kip ?
punch! = de twee poten zijn even lang, vooral de middenste !

name = Babs
one-liner = Why do the Clinton's have only one child?
punch! = Monica swallowed all the rest!!!

name = 
one-liner = 
punch! = 

name = Melissa
one-liner = In the workplace,you will always be promoted to your level of incompetance
punch! = 

name = Melissa
one-liner = how many blondes does it take to accomplish a job?
punch! = What?! We're expected to work???

name = Guy Smiley
one-liner = What did the elephant say to the naked man?
punch! = How do you eat with that thing?

name = My name
one-liner = my best one liner
punch! = PUNCH!!!!

name = 
one-liner = how does a blonde turn on the lights in the morning?
punch! = she opens the car door...

name = BB
one-liner = Howdo you drown a blonde?
punch! = Bar

name = 
one-liner = 
punch! = 

name = Ben Szpak
one-liner = How do you drowned a blond?
punch! = Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool!

name = huck42@juno.com
one-liner = why don't cannibals eat clowns?
punch! = because they taste funny.

name = Tintojim
one-liner = A masochist walks up to a sadist and says "Hit me!".
punch! = The sadist says "No".

name = rachel
one-liner = What's the secret of a Polish joke?
punch! = Timing.

name = Big E
one-liner = What is the difference between a bitch and a slut?
punch! = A slut does everybody, a bitch does everybody but you!

name = Karen T.
one-liner = "How do you know when there's a drummer at the door?"
punch! = "He never knows when to come in!"

name = 
one-liner = whyd do gorillas have big nostrils?
punch! = Becase they have big fingers.

name = Assman
one-liner = Two atoms are walking.  One says, "I think I lost an electron."  The other says, "Are you sure?"  The first says, "Yep.  I'm positive."
punch! = 

name = Zack
one-liner = Why I married that blond girl?
punch! = Because she cannot say,  ' not tonight darling,  I have a headache '

name = mudpuppy
one-liner = a bird in one hand
punch! = leaves the other one empty

name = Johnmark
one-liner = What do you call cheese thats not yours?
punch! = Nacho cheese....

name = 
one-liner = Whats the difference between a blond and the titanic?
punch! = Only 1,500 people went down on the Titanic

name = poop
one-liner = mjdosjflsjflsjflsj
punch! = dlsjfjdsldfjldsjf

name = humm...
one-liner = I got a good one for you!
punch! = soon you will see you Tampa boy!

name = Jeffrey
one-liner = What is the difference between a fox and a dog?
punch! = five drinks

name = 
one-liner = What should they call the bridge connecting Prince Edward Island to the rest of Canada?
punch! = Span of Green Cables

name = pizza dude
one-liner = xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
punch! = aaaaaaaaaaaaaa

name = killersprout
one-liner = Why are dogs always called a 'Man's best friend'?
punch! = because they are embrassed to admit they have a 'Thinking Brain' dog

name = dan
one-liner = i'm going to memorize this web address
punch! = and then throw my head away

name = 
one-liner = 
punch! = 

name = Dan Abrigg
one-liner = Did you see the movie Wyatt Earp?
punch! = They shoulda called it Wyatt so long?

name = celeste
one-liner = over heard @ the grocery-check out:"Paper or plastic, Ma'am?"
punch! = response: "We baggers can't be choosers!"

name = kon
one-liner = mo
punch! = kk

name = 
one-liner = 
punch! = 

name = john
one-liner = Knock Knock-- Whos there? Judicious-Judicious Who?
punch! = Hands that Juditious can feel soft as you face-----------------

name = Anthony
one-liner = why dont cheetahs like playing hide and seek?
punch! = because they're always spotted

name = wa_terfowl
one-liner = What did Rose Kennedy say when she was told that Jackie O. was dead?
punch! = "Was Ted driving?"

name = Roland
one-liner = Why did Jesus cross the road?
punch! = He was nailed to a chicken.

name = 
one-liner = When is a door not a door?
punch! = When it is ajar

name = 
one-liner = When is a door not a door?
punch! = When it is ajar

name = Margarethe Zelle
one-liner = 
punch! = Then she said, "If I could do that, I wouldn't need an encounter suit!" --Michael Garibaldi

name = Red boy
one-liner = What meal would you make from babies?
punch! = Pate of tiny feet

name = Snow~ yeh I know it was much more then a one liner 
one-liner = After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the  Garden with God.Adam told God how much the woman meant to him and how  blessed he was to have her Adam began to ask questions about  her .Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so  beautiful? God: So you will always want to look at her.  Adam: Lord, her  skin is so soft.Why did you make her skin so soft?God: So you will  always want to touch her.Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did  you make her smell so good? God: So you will always want to be near her   Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but  why did you make her so stupid?
punch! = God: So she would love  you.

name = SEAN
one-liner = HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN AN ENGLISH PLANE STOPS ITS ENGINES 
punch! = BECAUSE IT WHINES FOR HOURS....

name = no no 
one-liner = why are u so ugly 
punch! = because my mom made me so

name = faith
one-liner = what did the fish say when he swan into a wall?
punch! = Damn

name = Charlie R
one-liner = Guy walks into a deli and orders a ham and swiss sandwich. The counterman says, "What do you want it on?"
punch! = "Credit!"

name = cody
one-liner = y
punch! = 

name = jimmy smart  3
one-liner = your momas so dum a bus hit her and  she seid [stop throing them rocks]
punch! = 

name = Springsteen
one-liner = The height of noise?
punch! = Two skeletons making love atop a tin-roofed house

name = charlotte
one-liner = life's a bitch and your father married one!!!!
punch! = 

name = 
one-liner = what do you call somethin that is white&black and red all over?
punch! = a newspaper!!!

name = orlando
one-liner = hell yah
punch! = your moma is so fat that every time that she walks she makes every body jump

name = orlando
one-liner = hell yah
punch! = your moma is so fat that every time that she walks she makes every body jump

name = Joe
one-liner = Why did the chicken cross the road?
punch! = because he could!

name = Rashid
one-liner = Seeking a beautiful life.
punch! = 

name = Wence
one-liner = When is a door not a door?
punch! = When it is ajar

name = Timmy Abrigg Jr
one-liner = Why didn't Hitler drink Whiskey?
punch! = Because it made him MEAN!!!!!!

name = Manda
one-liner = How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?
punch! = Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil

name = Manda
one-liner = How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?
punch! = Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil

name = Alex
one-liner = Your momma so poor she uses a fork to eat cereal to save milk
punch! = 

name = kAyT
one-liner = what does a priest n K-mart both have in common?
punch! = they both have little boys pants half off.

name = kayla
one-liner = your mama is so fat 
punch! = she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning

name = Charlie Redden
one-liner = When you're mediocre, 
punch! = you're always at your best. -Smothers Brothers

name = Steve Tree
one-liner = To someone not so intelligent
punch! = He's one fry short of a happy meal

name = josh hunnter
one-liner = 1747
punch! = love a maiden\

name = josh hunnter
one-liner = 1747
punch! = love a maiden

name = JoHanna Forson
one-liner = if there is a chcken 
punch! = school

name = jess
one-liner = what do you call a computer super hero?
punch! = a screan saver

name = Trena
one-liner = Do I have to take a bath?                                              I don't know. When did you take one last?
punch! = A month ago.

name = hector
one-liner = what does a prostitute and school have in common?
punch! = they both suck

name = Hector E.
one-liner = what does viagra and a rollercoster have in common
punch! = you have to wait 1 hour for a 3 minute ride

name = sdf sdf
one-liner = this is fun
punch! = no it's not

name = joe
one-liner = 
punch! = 

name = najah lampert
one-liner = why do we have freckles?
punch! = cause we were all born carrots

name = lane
one-liner = why's your mom such a slut??
punch! = cause she puts ice in her pants to keep the crabs fresh!!

name = k.
one-liner = what sucks,blows, and gets laid in the corner
punch! = a vaccumme

name = Diddy
one-liner = A priest, rapist, and pedofile walk into a bar.
punch! = So then the next guy walks in.

name = sam
one-liner = i win
punch! = its two to one

name = Slippers647
one-liner = It's better to have loved a short man,
punch! = than never to have loved a tall.

name = BILL
one-liner = A HORSE WALKS INTO A BAR. THE BARTENDER SAYS.
punch! = WHY THE LONG FACE?

name = Tim
one-liner = My wife asked me if i wanted to have sex tonight ?
punch! = i told her no, i would rather stay home and hang out with her tonight

name = 
one-liner = 
punch! = 

name = sam
one-liner = knock knock. whos there. runnyp. runnyp who
punch! = runny poo!

name = sunshine
one-liner = swee
punch! = 

name = max
one-liner = Who led the pedants' revolt?
punch! = Which Tyler

name = max
one-liner = I believed my wife when she said size didn't matter.
punch! = Then the wallpaper fell off.

name = 
one-liner = It's not the beau's you know, it's the beaujolais!
punch! = 

name = Charlotte
one-liner = What do you call a man hu luks like a catapult??
punch! = Chuck!!

name = 
one-liner = 
punch! = 

name = 
one-liner = Height of Confusion
punch! = Two earthworms making love in a bowl of noodles

name = Kenniy
one-liner = None
punch! = France, Moscow

name = Kenniy
one-liner = None
punch! = France, Moscow

name = asim
one-liner = pakistan 
punch! = atif_s_atta

name = 
one-liner = you know what's funny?
punch! = women drivers

name = john
one-liner = my girlfriend told me i was a pedofile
punch! = i said that's a pretty big word for an 8 year old

name = njwwxqkbxu
one-liner = rEUmSmCOztaqEkQN
punch! = eTmxJQEPlMLoARvIVo