Shelley, Keats, Shakespeare and Shulman ??

Laugh if you must, but when it came to writing achingly earnest lovelorn poetry, there was no one better than Max Shulman! Here are a few examples of Shulman at his classic best:

I LOVE YOU

(by Dobie Gillis from "Love is A Science")

I love you with all my power,
I love you with all my might,
I love you at any hour,
I love you by day or night.

I hope we will soon be married,
But if I should die before,
See to it that I'm buried
Somewhere near your door.

Strew flowers on my grave humbly,
And heave a frequent sigh.
Though I grow gray and crumbly,
I'll always be your guy.

©1959 Max Shulman

Dobie wrote that poem for Thalia, but somehow it found its way into Zelda's notebook and Zelda thought it was written for her! Similarly, in Shulman's second-to-last novel, "Anyone Got A Match" another love poem fell into the wrong hands. This time the wife of a TV producer finds this poem written by her husband's mistress and realizes why he's been spending so much time at the beach!

O, SPECKLED LOVE!

(By "Leda" from "Anyone Got A Match?")

Sand between the lovers' toes
Recalls like thorns, the flawless rose.
Gritty, crunching in the shoes
Recollects, rejoices, rues
Untamed blood that starts the hearts
Till sand adheres to yearning parts.
Rasping flesh in grasping hand:
Abrasive love -- pervasive sand.
Sorrow learns what bliss can teach
On the fierce and tender beach.

©1964 Max Shulman

By now you're probably wondering where Max Shulman acquired this bard's gift? Well if his semi-autobiographical "Potatoes Are Cheaper" can be believed, his inspiration may have originated with his 20 year old cousin Crip, whose debilitating fragile bone disease caused him to "sublimate" his sex drive into verse. Verses like this one, which the 15-1/2 year old Max collected and used on the nubile young women in his neighborhood to great effect:

TO ELAINE

(by "Crip" from "Potatoes Are Cheaper")

Elaine, Elaine oh sweet and fair
Thy creamy skin, thy gleamy hair,
Thy marble brow, thy sapphire eyes,
Thy secrets I can but surmise.

Oh, where hast thou thy treasure hid?
Oh, dare I hope to ope the lid?
Oh, let me ope it once Elaine,
Then let me ope it once again!

©1971 Max Shulman

These are just a few examples. Shulman used poetry in almost every one of his novels, so if you want more, go buy one, or try your public library.

• To return to the Dobie Gillis Home Page click here ........