The Lord John Roxton Hair Cut – The Truth is Out There!

A special report by Anonymous

The mystery of Lord John Roxton’s mid river hair cut has been baffling me for some time now.  I was never willing to buy into the idea that the water had caused his hair to shrink.  So when I heard Mr Ramone’s claims that he was in fact responsible for this miraculous style, I was willing to believe his assertion!  How else could such a fetching look be achieved?  As time went on however I began to feel uncomfortable with this premise, so many strings where still untied and questions left unanswered.  Why would Mr Ramone go to the trouble of swimming out to the hunky hunter, giving him a spiffy new hairdo - only to abandon him to the perilous fate of falling over a waterfall – thus wasting his new masterpiece!  Further more we know how style conscious Mr Ramone is - would he really be willing to get himself wet and risk having his make-up ruined?  Now don’t get me wrong I strongly believe that Mr Ramone is a consummate hair care professional and I have no doubt that Lord Roxton is a frequent visitor to Mr Ramone’s salon!  In fact this whole incident only increases my admiration for the talented stylist – after all what a stroke of publicity genius to claim he was responsible for one of the most famous heads of hair on the plateau – what a businessman!  This also may account for the handsome noble man’s wall of silence on this matter – have the two men come to a financial arrangement?

So if not water shrinkage or the creative talents of Mr Ramone – what else could have caused this phenomenon?  I decided to investigate this matter more seriously.  Firstly it is obvious the hair has been cut – if, as some have suggested, his hair had got caught up on shrubbery as the adorable Adonis plummeted from the bridge, then surely it would not be so neat and have a more torn appearance.  This led me to believe that some form of creature performed the cut.  I quickly eliminated dinosaurs or any type of carnivore animal.  Firstly if the sneaky snipper had been a meat eater I fear our exquisite explorer would have been lunch and secondly carnivore’s teeth would not be able to form the appropriate scissor action.  This then narrowed my probe down to creatures with enlarged incisors – Rodents!  I immediately thought of animals such as squirrels, chipmunks and marmots, but quickly dismissed them – the culprit I was looking for had to be a semi aquatic mammal.  This narrowed down the field significantly – water voles are too small to so efficiently shear the Lords lovely locks.  My conclusion – beavers of course!  I believe more than one beaver was responsible – judging by the look on the freshly shorn Lord’s face, he was not too pleased about his impromptu trim.  I believe he would have been able to fight off one lone beaver, instead I surmise he was besieged by a number of beavers – most likely a family working together in co-operation.

Next I needed proof for my radical theory, so I provided a photographic expert with video footage of the harrowing river incident.  He was able to lighten and enhance an area of the film and there, to my delight and surprise he found a blurred but still recognisable beaver fleeing from the scene.  When I asked how this could have gone un-noticed for so long, he explained:

“Most of the people viewing the river footage were undoubtedly female, logically their eyes are drawn to the hapless hunter, so naturally it is easy to miss what is going on in his surroundings”

He also went on to describe that the beaver is only present for a fraction of a frame, before it submerged beneath the water so it can only be seen in a still photo. (See below – the beaver is in the highlighted oblong – the quality is not brilliant I’m afraid.)

Now that I have established that beavers were indeed present on this fateful occasion - I need to prove that beavers were actually responsible for trimming Lord Roxton’s hair.  Therefore I am trying to gather financial backing in order to fund an expedition to the lost plateau.  Once there I intend to seek out the beavers lodge and obtain a sample from it’s lining.  Then I will be able to take it to Challenger’s lab and have it DNA tested thus proving conclusively that it was the beavers!!  I may be gone for some time – the DNA testing could take several months and I will have to personally acquire a specimen form Lord Roxton for comparison purposes.  I am also looking for others too join me on my daring mission – I believe we have much still to learn about the mysteries of the Lost Plateau!  (Like finding it!!)