Step 1 – Ditch the
classics. Nobody wants to read whether or not you're playing a game that takes up the whole screen, or that you are
“away from the computer right now.” Spice it up a notch. Some favorite spins include “The one
about playing the game that takes up a whole screen.” Or “I’m away from the computer right now.”
Subtle skews really perk up the flavor of an old time classic. Rule of Thumb: Any away message that was written before
2002 is an antique.
Step 2 – Sure you’re
out, but what, or whom, are you out like. In the world of away message writing, nothing gets your heart racing like
a simile or metaphor. Where were you the first time you realized somebody was out like an obese child in a game of “dodging
the ball.” That one still tickles me where it hurts. But once again, be original, and this may even include
not making sense. “Im out like Haley after his Liza Manelli surgery.” Sure it doesn’t follow
a logical structure, but those are the type of away messages that hero’s are made out of. (Not to be confused
with lamb, which is what gyro’s are made out of.)
Step 3 – Links ARE
Funny. And fake links are even funnier. What separates the good away messages from the great ones are their ability
to link the readers into a dreamland of pure imagination. Making your away message a link to a funny website provides
double the normal entertainment value. Though try to experiment. Write Yahoo.com, but make that a link to a senior
citizen homosexual pornography site. The shock value will make your away message worthwhile… especially to that
old homosexual who’s probably secretly reading your away messages.
Step 4 – Cram a lot
in. Recent literary criticisms about away message often hark upon the same points: They lack depth, theme, and
motif. You can fit a lot into the allowable 900 characters. Shakespeare wrote plays that were that short, Dickens' first
12 novels only totaled 898 characters (numbers taken from reliable fact finding website: fakefacts.gov). Most away messages
lack the character development necessary to place themselves among the elite. In 2002, famed away message theologian
URAQTPi12345 was three votes shy in receiving a Nobel Peace Prize on his away message Mini-Dissertation “On the cultural
discourse in Middle Eastern Policy.” His away message was a poignant 730 characters (including works cited). Interestingly
enough he put it up because he was away taking a crap.
Follow these four steps as
stringently as you would a food pyramid. Be concise yet thoughtful. Say everything, yet nothing at all. And most
importantly, if youre playing a game that takes up the whole screen, don’t bother telling the world.
