The plan for CHOOSING THE NEWS is that every few weeks in this space you will find a brief statement about a particular item that appears in the news, and an exploration of that item for developing skills in choice-making. We welcome your suggestions of topics in the news for us to explore. The test that will be used to decide whether an item will appear in this space is whether or not it might give you and others opportunities to apply STOP-THINK-CHOOSE concepts to what happened.
We have a different take on youth violence and such tragedies as those that have occurred in Littleton, Colorado and other towns in the United States. We believe that the heart of the matter can be touched by considering why people have children these days; we think that there is a parallel between the "trophy wife" idea and easy divorce on the one hand and "trophy children" and alienation on the other. Many factors have been discussed at length in the press -- the ready availability of guns, movie/video/tv/computer game violence, and parental abdication of authority -- and we are convinced that all these are contributing factors. However, to keep our input brief we will pass on discussing those factors further, and focus on what we call "trophy children."
Years ago, when our society was mostly rural, kids were real contributors; now they are on the shelf as trophies. Kids used to be needed to slop the hogs, milk the cows, hoe the garden, kid-sit with younger siblings, and generally make themselves useful. In cities and towns many young people had part time jobs and the money from those jobs bought shoes and shirts and all manner of essentials. Kid labor was often difficult and child labor laws came into being because too many young people were getting hurt or at least losing their childhood to work. But kids who contributed to the household did feel needed.
By contrast, the labor of young people today is seldom really needed. If they work at all the purpose is unlikely to be something that contributes to the household. For many teens, for example, buying a car, keeping it running, and paying the insurance premiums may be the objective. Even the very positive matter of working to save money for college is more self-oriented than it is "for the good of the cause" at home.
So long as kids do well in school or athletics or music, for example, they are trotted out as trophies by proud parents. Let them be mediocre or less than that in some of the valued variables and, somewhat like the trophy wife, they are cast aside -- but in this case alienated from their parents rather than divorced, and, feeling less valued, they may act in ways that alienate them from all but other outcasts among their peers. Maybe that's where some of the thinking of the two desperate boys in Littleton, and others who have resorted to violence, came from.
Let us know what you think about "trophy kids." E-mail us your ideas at LET'S TALK and if we print your ideas for making effective choices in the situation as specified, we will include your name and e-mail address along with your suggestions. No anonymous responses will be printed.
Every issue we raise in the future or that you suggest we explore will be cast (or recast) in personal communication terms, as this one is -- below. That way everyone can see how STOP-THINK-CHOOSE ideas and the concepts of Choice Awareness can be applied in ways that illustrate how personal issues might be approached.
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QUESTION: WHAT TO DO ABOUT TROPHY KIDS? |
Suppose you sense that your teen-ager sees him/herself as a trophy child, rather than a contributor. Suppose s/he is mediocre to poor in many valued skills, and he or she says to you in an especially candid, private moment:
"I know people say that God don't make any junk. But sometimes I feel like junk." What might you say?
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FROM WHERE I SIT |
In that situation, if I could get my act together, I'd like to respond with such CREST Choices as the following -- in full awareness that in a half hour I might be able to make all of these statements, plus many others:
CARING -- responding to the need that has been expressed.
"I can tell you're feeling bad right now."
"It must really hurt to feel that way."
RULING -- offering a suggestion or in some way exercising a form of leadership.
"Let's talk about that."
"I can see you're down on yourself. I think we might be able to figure out some things you could do to help you feel better about yourself."
ENJOYING -- expressing positive feelings in any number of ways, including joking.
"I think you're a great kid."
(With humor) "So, what's not to like about you?"
SORROWING -- expressing my own negative feelings.
"I feel bad for you right now."
A sigh and a pause. (That nonverbal response may invite further communication)
THINKING/WORKING -- cognitive statement(s) or question(s), logical action(s)
"What's got you thinking that way?"
Moving my chair closer -- as an invitation to further communication.
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YOUR CHOICES |
Click on LET'S TALK and send the responses you would like to give to the kid who feels like junk -- or shows negative feelings about him/herself in any of a variety of ways. You might try to fit your idea(s) into one or more of the five CREST choices, maybe even try for one or more of each kind. Also, feel free to share beliefs that relate to your choices. As noted above, if we print your ideas for making effective choices in the situation as specified, we will include your name and e-mail address along with your suggestions.
Thanks for aiding us in CHOOSING THE NEWS.
LINKS:
Books on choices for adults: ON THE CREST / CHOOSING A BETTER WAY TO LIVE
Books on choices for professionals: CHOICE AWARENESS: A Counseling Theory / CHOICE AWARENESS: An Innovative Guidance Process / WORKING WITH ADOLESCENTS
Books for middle schoolers: THE INCIDENT AT CRYSTAL LAKE / TRAVIS AND TRISH
Books for elementary schoolers: IN THE LAND OF CHOICE / THE MAGIC OF CHOICE