Revelation-April 20, 1999

It came to me today, that I have been running away from living, In one way or another practically all my life. I don't think I am alone in this, but I think we don't always realize it for whatever reason. In my case it's been a protection mechanism, which I put into practice long ago, Without giving it much thought, Today as I was listening to some Doctor on television saying that fat was some kind of protection that people use to shield themselves from the world and all it's hurts, I realize I had been doing that too, Perhaps not just with fat but with being careful not to live to much, not to take to many chances, not to enjoy myself to much, not to shine to much, not to let people know me to well, not to do to well. I remember hearing about some primitive tribe that when things were going to well and they were blessed, would immediately start chanting how terrible things were And how much misfortune they had to deal with, so that the gods or spirits would not become Jealous and take everything away. Today I realize that I had been doing quite a bit of chanting too, Oh maybe not in saying how terrible things were but certainly saying how everything was fine and good enough for me and how I needed no more and was grateful for what I had, And I am grateful but it was not the complete truth. It lacked courage and honesty And every time I stopped myself from doing something I could do or settle for something less than I deserved or not try something new that would of stretched me or even stop myself from failing at something, I was dispiriting myself, And adding certain dysfunctional quirks to my psychological make up. Quirks that would eventually force me to take notice of the devastation, I was heaping on my psyche and sense of self worth. Sometimes being brave is a lot easier in the long run; we just don't realize it at the time. Now I realize that if you want to live life with hope and joy and trust you have to become less afraid. You don't all of a sudden developed fears and phobias they start the moment you are not true to your self, the moment you give up your right as a human being to make choices for yourself and stop listening to the voice inside you that tells you it's okay to feel and do what you want even if it does not turn out like you expect, that's okay too there's something to be gleaned from everything that we experience in life. Much better than to find yourself years down the road wondering where all these dysfunctional quirks are coming from. In order to live life with joy hope and trust you do have to have confidence, and how do you get this confidence. You start by acknowledging the damage that the old program has cause in your life, And by taking the time to look into each major actions and how and where and why that attitude first originated. It's not an easy task; this involves much soul searching. We weren't always such a friady cats. There was a time we were brave and eager and trusting. What happen? Well as far as I can figure what happen was, We started listening to everyone else opinion and judgement about life and assumed our own was faulty. Big mistake. No one person has a monopoly on wisdom, not one group, nor one culture. Everyone has some thing to contribute, but not everything is meant for you, We must discriminate and select, what actually is meant for us. Were not pod people, duplicated cookie cutter confections. We are marvelous confections that offer unique manifestations of all that is human and the spectrum is vast and exciting and not to be taken lightly and rushed through as if you had all the time in the world and could do this over again. It's such a pity it takes some of us so long to realize this. To bad we don't come installed with some magical buzzer that goes off the moment someone tries to deflate our natural courage, our gusto, our curiosity for life. It starts with well intention parents who tell you what you can expect and what you should not expect from life. It continues with teachers, friends and other well intention, Albeit misguided persons that cross your path. Blessed indeed are the few who have had an early encouraging environment. That stronghold will help carry them over the difficult Passages we all must go through, but these creatures are rare and few between. Most of us have to muddle through. It's not the first time you are told no, It's the first time you are told no and made to feel deficient for it. It's not just not explaining that there are choices in life and some are better for you, It's telling you this truth without a hidden agenda to control you or because their own deficiency gets in the way of telling you they recognize your wonderful potential and how these choices will help you achieve them. Well since that rarely happens so much for what is not! We can't put Humpty Dumpty together again. So we have to start from the first time we realize this truth and figure out how to start anew, sought of a born again person hood. Well I know what's good and working for me, Now I have to look at what's not working and why it's not, I have read Maslow, Freud, Jung and a host of others And I agreed that it is helpful to study what works and emulate it, why reinvent the wheel right. On the other hand you can't fix what you don't know is broke. That's why it pays to examine your life, take a good look, fix what you can, forget what you can't fix and then wipe the slate clean and start afresh. This way we can get rid of the boogieman and all his little gremlin helpers that have been unwelcome companions for to long in our life.