A DIVINE CLARIFICATION

"Look, I don't know, maybe

I haven't made myself completely clear,

so for the record, here it is again,"

said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers.

"Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea

that I want them to kill their neighbor.

Well, I don't. And to be honest,

I'm really getting sick and tired of it.

Get it straight!

Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but

I specifically commanded you not to,

in really simple terms that

anybody ought to be able to understand."

UNENDING CYCLE OF VIOLENCE

Worshipped by Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike,

God said His name has been invoked countless times over the centuries as a reason to kill in what He called "an unending cycle of violence."

"I don't care how holy somebody claims to be," God said.

If a person tells you it's My will that they kill someone,

they're wrong.

Got it?

“I don't care what religion you are,

or who you think your enemy is …

here it is one more time:

No Killing,

in My name or anyone else's,

ever again."

A MATTER OF FAITH

ON THE MATERIAL PLANE

Human being's were given a Task . . .

His decision to manifest on the material plane was motivated by the deep sense of shock, outrage, and sorrow He felt over the Sept. 11 violence carried out in His name, and over its dire potential ramifications around the globe.

The press conference came as a surprise to humankind, as God rarely intervenes in earthly affairs. As a matter of longstanding policy, He has traditionally left the task of interpreting His message and divine will to clerics, rabbis, priests, imams, and Biblical scholars.

Now, all humans,

theologians and laymen alike,

have been given the task

of pondering

His ineffable mysteries,

deciding for themselves

what? to be, do and have

- as a matter of faith.

on the MATERIAL PLANE

. . . dire potential ramifications

around the globe .

"I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people,

so you'd get it straight,

because I thought it was pretty important,"

said God, called Yahweh and Allah respectively

in the Judaic and Muslim traditions.

"I guess I figured I'd left no real room for confusion

after putting it in a four-word sentence

with one-syllable Words,

on the tablets I gave to Moses.

How much more clear can I get?"

"But somehow, it all gets twisted around and, next thing you know, somebody's spouting off some nonsense about,

'God says I have to kill this guy,

God wants me to kill that guy,

it's God's will,'"

God continued.

"It's not God's will, all right?

News flash:

“ ‘God's will' equals (=) 'Don't murder people.’ "

Worse yet, many of the worst violators claim that their actions are justified by passages in the Bible, Torah, and Qur'an.

"To be honest, there's some contradictory stuff in there, okay?"

God said.

"So I can see how it could be pretty misleading.

I admit it—My bad. I did My best to inspire them,

but a lot of imperfect human agents have

misinterpreted My message over the millennia.

Frankly, much of the material that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal bullshit.

I turn My head for a second and, suddenly, all this stuff about homosexuality gets into Leviticus, and everybody thinks it's God's will to kill gays.

It absolutely drives Me up the wall!"

IN PRAISE OF TRULY MERCIFUL, PIOUS PEOPLE —

STOP this stupid holy-war crap

God praised the overwhelming majority of His Muslim followers as "wonderful, pious people," calling the perpetrators of the Sept. 11 attacks

— rare exceptions.

"This whole medieval concept of the jihad, or holy war, had all but vanished from the Muslim world in, like, the 10th century, and with good reason,"

God said.

"There's no such thing as a holy war,

only unholy ones.”

“The vast majority of Muslims in this world reject the murderous actions of these radical extremists, just like the vast majority of Christians in America are pissed off over those two bigots on The 700 Club."

(Ed. incongruity in this quotation indicates a possible misquotation. See 700 Club, * below.)

Continued God:

"Read the book: 'Allah is kind, Allah is beautiful, Allah is merciful.' It goes on and on that way, page after page. But, no, some assholes have to come along and revive this stupid holy-war crap just to further their own hateful agenda. So now, everybody thinks Muslims are all murderous barbarians.

Thanks, Taliban: 1,000 years of pan-Islamic cultural progress down the drain."

God stressed that His remarks

were not directed exclusively at Islamic extremists,

but rather at anyone whose ideological zealotry overrides

his or her ability to comprehend

the core message

of all world religions.

Being, HUMAN

Children of The Light

THOU SHALT NOT MURDER, CHEAT NOR STEAL

"I don't care what faith you are, everybody's been making this same mistake since the dawn of time," God said.

"The Muslims massacre the Hindus, the Hindus massacre the Muslims.

The Buddhists, everybody massacres the Buddhists.

The Jews, don't even get me started on the hardline, right-wing, Meir Kahane-loving Israeli nationalists, man.

And the Christians? You people believe in a Messiah who says, 'Turn the other cheek,'

but you've been killing everybody you can get your hands on since the Crusades."

LOVE THYSELF AS YOU LOVE THINE GOD:

LOVE THINE NEIGHBORS AS YOU LOVE THINESELF.

Growing increasingly wrathful, God continued:

"Can't you people see? What are you, morons?

There are a ton of different religious traditions out there, and different cultures worship Me in different ways.

But the basic message is always the same: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Shintoism

... every religious belief system under the sun,

they all say

you're supposed to love your neighbors, folks!

It's not that hard a concept to grasp."

"Why would you think I'd want anything else?

Humans don't need religion or God as an

excuse to kill each other —

you've been doing that without any help from Me

since you were freaking apes!"

God said.

"The whole point of believing in God

is to have a higher standard of behavior.

How obvious can you get?"

"I'm talking to all of you, here!" continued God,

His voice rising to a shout . . .

"Do you hear Me?

I don't want you to kill anybody!

I'm against it, across the board!

How many times do I have to say it?

Don't kill each other anymore — ever!

I'm fucking serious!"

Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent,

standing quietly at the podium for several moments,

at the podium in the ruin of the Twin Trade Towers.

Then, witnesses reported,

God's shoulders began to shake, and

. . . He wept.

This is The End of this report from The Pit.

* THE 700 CLUB

2 Days After 911

On the “Christian Broadcasting” 700 Club TV program,

Thursday, September 13, 2001

Jerry "The Reverend" Falwell is visiting with Pat "The Reverend" Robertson, embarrassing "spokesmen" for American Protestantism.

Falwell is speaking: "The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because

God will not be mocked.

And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad.

I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians

who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle,

the ACLU, People for the American Way

—all of them who have tried to secularize America . . .

“ I point the finger in their face and say,

‘You helped this happen.’ "

Chuckling Pat chucklingly agrees.

FALWELL: A FALSE PREACHER FOR THE LORD OF LORDS (on site)

Bigot: (Norman-English): a term of derision for people who

cling blindly and tenaciously

to creeds and beliefs that they believe

(and that they constantly declare with their words)

come “bi gott!” (that is to say, “by God!”).

An intolerant, narrow-minded, prejudiced person.

(Will you? BEHOLD ?

A TEAR divine! )

The Garden of Love

I went to the Garden of Love,
And saw what I never had seen:
A chapel was built in the midst,
Where I used to play on the green.

And the gates of this chapel were shut,
And "Thou shalt not" writ over the door;
So I turned to the Garden of Love,
That so many sweet flowers bore,