Mousebender (John Cleese): Good morning.Go to an excerpt from The Adventures of Don Quixote .
Wensleydale (Michael Palin): Good morning, sir. Welcome to the
National Cheese Emporium!
M: Ah, thank you, my good man.
W: What can I do for you, sir?
M: Well, I was sitting in the public library on Thurmond Street
just now, skimming through `Rogue Herries' by Horace Walpole,
and I suddenly came over all peckish.
W: Peckish, sir?
M: (broad Yorkshire) Eee I wor all 'ungry-loike!
W: Ah, hungry!
M: In a nutshell. So I thought to myself, `a little fermented
curd will do the trick.' I curtailed my Walpolling
activities, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of
purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy
W: Come again?
M: I want to buy some cheese.
W: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player.
M: Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all
manifestations of the terpsichorean muse!
M: 'Ooo, I lahk a nice tune, 'yer forced too!
W: So he can go on playing, can he?
M: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
W: Certainly, sir. What would you like?
M: Well, eh, how about a little Red Leicester.
W: I'm, afraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.
M: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
W: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir,
we get it fresh on Monday.
M: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of
Caerphilly, if you please.
W: Ah, well, it's been on order, sir, for two weeks, sir, I
was expecting it this morning.
M: It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, Bel Paese?
W: Sorry, sir.
M: Red Windsor?
W: Normally, sir, yes, but today the van broke down.
M: Ah. Stilton?
M: Emmental? Gruyere?
M: Any Norwegian Jarlsburger, per chance?
M: White Stilton?
M: Danish Blue?
M: Double Gloucester?
M: Dorset Blue Vinnny?
M: Brie, Rocquefort, Pont-l'Eveque, Port Salut, Savoyard,
Saint-Paulin, Carre-de-L'Est, Boursin, Bresse-Bleue,
Perle de Champagne?
M: Camembert, perhaps?
W: Ah! We have do have some Camembert, sir.
M: You do! Excellent.
W: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...
M: Oh, I like it runny.
W: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.
M: No matter. No matter. Hand over le fromage de la Belle
France qui s'appelle Camembert, s'il vous plait.
W: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
M: I don't care how excrementally runny it is. Hand it over
with all speed.
W: Yes, sir. Oh...
M: What now?
W: The cat's eaten it.
M: Has he?
W: She, sir.
M: Smoked Austrian?
M: Japanese Sage Derby?
W: No, sir.
M: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?
W: Certainly, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got...
M: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
W: Fair enough.
W: Yes, sir?
M: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
W: Oh, I'm sorry sir, I thought you were referring to me, Mr.
Wensleydale, that's my name.
M: Greek Feta?
W: Uh, not as such.
M: Uuh, Gorgonzola?
M: Pippo Creme,
M: Danish Fimboe,
M: Czechoslovakian Sheep's Milk Cheese,
M: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
W: Not *today*, sir, no.
M: Aah, how about Cheddar?
W: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
M: Not much call for it? It's the single most popular cheese
in the world!
W: Not round these parts, sir.
M: And pray what is the most popular cheese round these parts?
W: Ilchester, sir.
M: IS it.
W: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in the manor, squire.
M: Is it.
W: It's our number one best seller, sir!
M: I see. Uuh...Ilchester, eh?
W: Right, sir.
M: All right. Okay.
"Have you got any?" He asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
W: I'll have a look, sir..
M: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
W: Finest in the district!
M: Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
W: Well, it's so clean, sir!
M: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....
W: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limberger, sir.
M: Would it be worth it?
W: Could be....
M: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!
W: Told you sir...
M: (slowly) Have you got any Limberger?
M: No, that figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an
act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the
first place. Tell me:
M: Have you in fact got any cheese here at all?
W: Yes, sir.
W: No. Not really, sir.
M: You haven't.
W: No, sir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,
M: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
W: Right-0, sir.
The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner.
M: What a *senseless* waste of human life.