The Cheese Shoppe Sketch, from The Monty Python Matching Tie and Handkerchief  album (1973), based on the sketch from Episode 33 of Monty Python's Flying Circus, recorded on January 7, 1972, and broadcast on November 30, 1972.

Mousebender (John Cleese): Good morning.
Wensleydale (Michael Palin): Good morning, sir. Welcome to the
National Cheese Emporium!
M: Ah, thank you, my good man.
W: What can I do for you, sir?
M: Well, I was sitting in the public library on Thurmond Street
just now, skimming through `Rogue Herries' by Horace Walpole,
and I suddenly came over all peckish.
W: Peckish, sir?
M: Esurient.
W: Eh?
M: (broad Yorkshire) Eee I wor all 'ungry-loike!
W: Ah, hungry!
M: In a nutshell. So I thought to myself, `a little fermented
curd will do the trick.' I curtailed my Walpolling
activities, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of
purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy
W: Come again?
M: I want to buy some cheese.
W: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player.
M: Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all
manifestations of the terpsichorean muse!
W: Sorry?
M: 'Ooo, I lahk a nice tune, 'yer forced too!
W: So he can go on playing, can he?
M: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
W: Certainly, sir. What would you like?
M: Well, eh, how about a little Red Leicester.
W: I'm, afraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.
M: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
W: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir,
we get it fresh on Monday.
M: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of
Caerphilly, if you please.
W: Ah, well, it's been on order, sir, for two weeks, sir, I
was expecting it this morning.
M: It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, Bel Paese?
W: Sorry, sir.
M: Red Windsor?
W: Normally, sir, yes, but today the van broke down.
M: Ah. Stilton?
W: Sorry.
M: Emmental? Gruyere?
W: No.
M: Any Norwegian Jarlsburger, per chance?
W: No.
M: Liptauer?
W: No.
M: Lancashire?
W: No.
M: White Stilton?
W: No.
M: Danish Blue?
W: No.
M: Double Gloucester?
W: ...No.
M: Cheshire?
W: No.
M: Dorset Blue Vinnny?
W: No.
M: Brie, Rocquefort, Pont-l'Eveque, Port Salut, Savoyard,
Saint-Paulin, Carre-de-L'Est, Boursin, Bresse-Bleue,
Perle de Champagne?
W: No.
M: Camembert, perhaps?
W: Ah! We have do have some Camembert, sir.
M: You do! Excellent.
W: Yessir. It's..ah,'s a bit runny...
M: Oh, I like it runny.
W: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.
M: No matter. No matter. Hand over le fromage de la Belle
France qui s'appelle Camembert, s'il vous plait.
W: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
M: I don't care how excrementally runny it is. Hand it over
with all speed.
W: Yes, sir. Oh...
M: What now?
W: The cat's eaten it.
M: Has he?
W: She, sir.
M: Gouda?
W: No.
M: Edam?
W: No.
M: Caithness?
W: No.
M: Smoked Austrian?
W: No.
M: Japanese Sage Derby?
W: No, sir.
M: *have* some cheese, don't you?
W: Certainly, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got...
M: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
W: Fair enough.
M: Wensleydale?
W: Yes, sir?
M: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
W: Oh, I'm sorry sir, I thought you were referring to me, Mr.
Wensleydale, that's my name.
M: Greek Feta?
W: Uh, not as such.
M: Uuh, Gorgonzola?
W: No.
M: Parmesan,
W: No.
M: Mozzarella,
W: No.
M: Pippo Creme,
W: No.
M: Danish Fimboe,
W: No.
M: Czechoslovakian Sheep's Milk Cheese,
W: No.
M: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
W: Not *today*, sir, no.
M: Aah, how about Cheddar?
W: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
M: Not much call for it? It's the single most popular cheese
in the world!
W: Not round these parts, sir.
M: And pray what is the most popular cheese round these parts?
W: Ilchester, sir.
M: IS it.
W: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in the manor, squire.
M: Is it.
W: It's our number one best seller, sir!
M: I see. Uuh...Ilchester, eh?
W: Right, sir.
M: All right. Okay.
"Have you got any?" He asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
W: I'll have a look, sir..
M: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
W: Finest in the district!
M: Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
W: Well, it's so clean, sir!
M: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....
W: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limberger, sir.
M: Would it be worth it?
W: Could be....
W: Told you sir...
M: (slowly) Have you got any Limberger?
W: No.
M: No, that figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an
act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the
first place. Tell me:
W: Yessir?
M: Have you in fact got any cheese here at all?
W: Yes, sir.
M: Really?
W: No. Not really, sir.
M: You haven't.
W: No, sir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,
M: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
W: Right-0, sir.

The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner.

M: What a *senseless* waste of human life.
Go to an excerpt from The Adventures of Don Quixote .


Eric Schulman,
Firstname.Lastname at Verizon dot Net